Blain Nelson (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} blainnelson) wrote,@ 2009-03-13 13:16:00 |
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Rhianna is not the problem here, so back off.
Over recent weeks, since the Grammy-night arrest of Chris Brown, I've watched the story of his assault of girlfriend Rhianna develop with a fair amount of annoyance over the question “Why did she go back?” and “Why does she stay with him?” For people in the Domestic Abuse movement, this question is one we're very used to responding to with a fair amount of annoyance. But, today, I found this article that tipped me into writing this. The article indicates that informal interviews of 200 Boston teens show that half the teens think the beating Rhianna got from Chris Brown was her fault.
Oh, Hell no!
Let's start with the last question first – there is no way Rhianna is responsible for being beaten. That was entirely (100%) the result of a choice made by whoever beat her (apparently, Chris Brown.). There is nothing she could say or do that would justify this beating – nothing at all. Arguing with him wouldn't justify this. Cheating on him wouldn't justify this. Hitting him wouldn't justify this. There is no way that he was in a situation where this amount of force was required to alleviate the physical threat she posed to him. There is no way he wouldn't have been better off to choose to walk away from the situation, rather than lay a hand on her. Abuse and violence are always a choice, and you can always choose something else. And you always, always should. Excusing this kind of behavior and blaming the victim is colluding with the abuse of others – it is agreeing that sometimes it is okay to abuse people, and that will contribute to others being abused.
As to why she stays, or why she came back to him, I can't say that I've ever heard a word from her mouth, so I have no inside information on this, but I can tell you what the usual reasons are for women to stay with their abusers that would reasonably apply to this situation. First, and most likely, is that she loves him. Abusers aren't usually abusive 24/7 – or even 16/7, not counting when they are asleep. Bouts of physical violence are usually relatively rare, and it's very easy in between to believe that they were isolated one-time events. The traditional cycle of abuse usually follows outbursts of abusive behavior with the Honeymoon Phase, where there is an outpouring of love and remorse and fear that looks like everything will be different than before. Since she loves him, she wants that to be true, and is willing to give him a “second chance.” To help him with the visible pain he's showing, she may accept responsibility for what happened: “If only I hadn't X,” or “I should have done Y.” It is easier for her to accept that she made a bad choice than to accept that someone she loves would hurt her that badly. These and other similar reasons are likely why she allowed him back into her life. It is commonly understood that it usually takes seven times of leaving an abusive relationship before they are emotionally and financially prepared to stay out.
But now, let's get to why this is the wrong question. Her choosing to let him into her life or not may be made foolishly, and may help perpetuate the abusive situation longer than it would otherwise be, but it is not a crime, and shouldn't be our focus in looking at the situation. The right question to be asking is “Why did he think it was okay to beat up someone he said he loved?” And we should not be viewing any of the reasons we are given as excuses that somehow make this okay. It is never okay to abuse anyone, whether we say we love them or not. As I said before, abuse is always a choice, and always a wrong choice. There is no excuse for abuse. Staying in a relationship is not a crime, but beating up anyone is a crime. Our focus needs to be on what he did, and what he's doing to see to it that he learns new ways of dealing with his life and problems that don't include beating people up, especially someone he says he loves. Abuse and violence are learned, and can be unlearned.
Now, you may have noticed that I'm willing to say that Rhianna loves Chris, but only say that Chris says that he loves her. This is intentional. What she is doing is consistent with her being in love with him, and wanting to support him and help him and keep him in her life. But what he did is not consistent with love – love is shown by making loving choices, and abuse isn't loving. Love is shown in hugs and kisses and caring, not in screaming, pushing or punching.
Disagreeing, arguing and even fighting are normal parts of relationships. No two people agree about everything – I don't even agree with myself at all times – and so there will be disagreements and a need to work through them. But fighting doesn't have to involve violence. There are rules of fair fighting that keep the disagreement from veering into violence and abuse, and they can be learned and practiced.
If you want to say that Rhianna, in choosing to let Chris back into her life, has continued a relationship where it is likely that she will be hurt again, then okay. But be aware that you're focusing your attention on the party in the relationship who has no control over whether Chris will choose to be violent again. Ask yourself why you're not looking at Chris and challenging him to be responsible for his abuse and to learn how to build an abuse-free relationship. And don't let anyone go unchallenged if they say that Rhianna is somehow responsible for being beaten by Chris. Don't choose wussy words to try to make this anything less than a very violent criminal assault in an intimate relationship. This is domestic violence, and domestic abuse. What he seems to have done (innocent until proven guilty, yeah) is inexcusable. It is wrong, and he is responsible to own his choices and to see to it that he never does this again. He can do that, if he will work at it – I'd be happy to help him with that process. I worked with recovery abusers for years, and don't look down my nose at them one bit. But neither do I cut them any slack when they try to wiggle out of culpability for their choices. Abuse is always a choice. Chris can make a different choice. Abuse and violence are learned, and Chris can unlearn them. It takes work, but he can do it if he will. You have every right to challenge him if he chooses not to work at this.
But Rhianna is not the problem here. So, back off.
Over recent weeks, since the Grammy-night arrest of Chris Brown, I've watched the story of his assault of girlfriend Rhianna develop with a fair amount of annoyance over the question “Why did she go back?” and “Why does she stay with him?” For people in the Domestic Abuse movement, this question is one we're very used to responding to with a fair amount of annoyance. But, today, I found this article that tipped me into writing this. The article indicates that informal interviews of 200 Boston teens show that half the teens think the beating Rhianna got from Chris Brown was her fault.
Oh, Hell no!
Let's start with the last question first – there is no way Rhianna is responsible for being beaten. That was entirely (100%) the result of a choice made by whoever beat her (apparently, Chris Brown.). There is nothing she could say or do that would justify this beating – nothing at all. Arguing with him wouldn't justify this. Cheating on him wouldn't justify this. Hitting him wouldn't justify this. There is no way that he was in a situation where this amount of force was required to alleviate the physical threat she posed to him. There is no way he wouldn't have been better off to choose to walk away from the situation, rather than lay a hand on her. Abuse and violence are always a choice, and you can always choose something else. And you always, always should. Excusing this kind of behavior and blaming the victim is colluding with the abuse of others – it is agreeing that sometimes it is okay to abuse people, and that will contribute to others being abused.
As to why she stays, or why she came back to him, I can't say that I've ever heard a word from her mouth, so I have no inside information on this, but I can tell you what the usual reasons are for women to stay with their abusers that would reasonably apply to this situation. First, and most likely, is that she loves him. Abusers aren't usually abusive 24/7 – or even 16/7, not counting when they are asleep. Bouts of physical violence are usually relatively rare, and it's very easy in between to believe that they were isolated one-time events. The traditional cycle of abuse usually follows outbursts of abusive behavior with the Honeymoon Phase, where there is an outpouring of love and remorse and fear that looks like everything will be different than before. Since she loves him, she wants that to be true, and is willing to give him a “second chance.” To help him with the visible pain he's showing, she may accept responsibility for what happened: “If only I hadn't X,” or “I should have done Y.” It is easier for her to accept that she made a bad choice than to accept that someone she loves would hurt her that badly. These and other similar reasons are likely why she allowed him back into her life. It is commonly understood that it usually takes seven times of leaving an abusive relationship before they are emotionally and financially prepared to stay out.
But now, let's get to why this is the wrong question. Her choosing to let him into her life or not may be made foolishly, and may help perpetuate the abusive situation longer than it would otherwise be, but it is not a crime, and shouldn't be our focus in looking at the situation. The right question to be asking is “Why did he think it was okay to beat up someone he said he loved?” And we should not be viewing any of the reasons we are given as excuses that somehow make this okay. It is never okay to abuse anyone, whether we say we love them or not. As I said before, abuse is always a choice, and always a wrong choice. There is no excuse for abuse. Staying in a relationship is not a crime, but beating up anyone is a crime. Our focus needs to be on what he did, and what he's doing to see to it that he learns new ways of dealing with his life and problems that don't include beating people up, especially someone he says he loves. Abuse and violence are learned, and can be unlearned.
Now, you may have noticed that I'm willing to say that Rhianna loves Chris, but only say that Chris says that he loves her. This is intentional. What she is doing is consistent with her being in love with him, and wanting to support him and help him and keep him in her life. But what he did is not consistent with love – love is shown by making loving choices, and abuse isn't loving. Love is shown in hugs and kisses and caring, not in screaming, pushing or punching.
Disagreeing, arguing and even fighting are normal parts of relationships. No two people agree about everything – I don't even agree with myself at all times – and so there will be disagreements and a need to work through them. But fighting doesn't have to involve violence. There are rules of fair fighting that keep the disagreement from veering into violence and abuse, and they can be learned and practiced.
If you want to say that Rhianna, in choosing to let Chris back into her life, has continued a relationship where it is likely that she will be hurt again, then okay. But be aware that you're focusing your attention on the party in the relationship who has no control over whether Chris will choose to be violent again. Ask yourself why you're not looking at Chris and challenging him to be responsible for his abuse and to learn how to build an abuse-free relationship. And don't let anyone go unchallenged if they say that Rhianna is somehow responsible for being beaten by Chris. Don't choose wussy words to try to make this anything less than a very violent criminal assault in an intimate relationship. This is domestic violence, and domestic abuse. What he seems to have done (innocent until proven guilty, yeah) is inexcusable. It is wrong, and he is responsible to own his choices and to see to it that he never does this again. He can do that, if he will work at it – I'd be happy to help him with that process. I worked with recovery abusers for years, and don't look down my nose at them one bit. But neither do I cut them any slack when they try to wiggle out of culpability for their choices. Abuse is always a choice. Chris can make a different choice. Abuse and violence are learned, and Chris can unlearn them. It takes work, but he can do it if he will. You have every right to challenge him if he chooses not to work at this.
But Rhianna is not the problem here. So, back off.
